Apparently, the Dr. was wrong when she spoke to us on Tuesday. We can’t bring dad home as quickly as she had suggested. It’s a distinct possibility that we’ll never be allowed to bring him home. The NB Medicare system was amazing when dad was diagnosed and then treated in Winnipeg (we were on vacation there at the time), but doesn’t appear to have much set up in the way of “end of life” care. Unless you hire a nurse yourself, there is no overnight nursing care available. While mom’s a retired nurse and I’m here, the two of us likely won’t be able to manage 24 hour care by ourselves.

We do want to try though – dad wants to come home.

However, at this point all the planning is just that – planning. Dad can’t leave the hospital until the pneumonia is cleared, the pain is under control, and he’s off as much of the medications as possible.

Instead of taking him home today, we’re trying to get him a bed in palliative care. They tell us he can be released from palliative care and go home once he’s better, but I suspect that may never happen.

It is not easy to die with dignity in this province.

Technorati Tags: end of life care, cancer, dying, NB Medicare

Emotionally, I’m drained. Instead of reading my babbling, today you get to view a list of links and reasons why I think you should click on them…

• CRFA 580 (Talk Radio in Ottawa) is holding a public rally in support of Canadian Troops on Friday Sept 22, 2006 at Parliament Hill in Ottawa from 12:00 Noon – 1:00 pm.
• Take a few minutes to visit the Canadian Forces Personnel Support Agency (CFPSA). Buy something nice. Grapes recommends the hats.
• The Amazing Wonderdog dissects the study published by the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives titled Canada’s Fallen: Understanding Canadian Military Deaths in Afghanistan. Actually, I can’t honestly call this a study and look my ethics professor in the face ever again. It’s a prime example of making statistics match a pre-set theory and discarding or refusing to acknowledge any dissenting data. I should not be surprised though. Both of the authors are affiliated with the Polaris Institute. One of the authors is the very same Steve Staples that I’ve ranted about before. Realizing this, it’s hard to be surprised by the content and quality (or, imnsho, lack there-of) of the report. After all, if Mr. Staples can’t get something as simple as AWOL right, then it’s hard to give creedence to anything else he has to write relating to the Canadian Forces.You can also mosey on over to Dust my Broom, The Prarie Wrangler and Tart Cider to read their take on the offending report.

Technorati Tags: red friday, support the troops, rally, canadian forces, polaris institute, CFRA 580, Steven Staples, AWOL

“There’s nothing we can do.”

When I hear those words from the mouth of a customer service representative, sales agent, or government employee, they make my blood boil. The instinct to fight harder or push to get what I want – most often an apology – kicks into overdrive. When the team of doctors finally say the phrase after a 2 year battle, I want to crawl into the corner and scream like a baby.

I am watching my father die by inches.

I am greedy. I am selfish. I am unwilling to let go. I am uncertain whether it will be possible to survive this daily struggle. I am already scarred and damaged. Such a short time ago he ruled the stage with such a huge personality – exploding at the seems with life – that it is killing something in side for me to watch him shrink and whither away.

Gillian asked how he has managed to survive so long. The only thought that comes to mind is pure Scottish stubbornness. That can only carry you so far.

We’re going to try and bring him home this week. I think I’ll be home for Christmas.

Technorati Tags: cancer, death, pain, mourning, father, dad

Somedays I just can’t help myself. I found this online, and having little else to amuse my mind, decided to give it a whirl. It should come as no surprise to el hubby that I am a certifiable nerd.

I now have the pretty little graphic to prove it.

I’d be impressed, but it comes with a disclaimer.

Compared to those in the same age group as you:

0% scored higher (more computer geeky),
0% scored the same, and
100% scored lower (less geeky).

Why do I feel old instead of validated?

Technorati Tags: nerdtests.com, geek, nerd

I was over at Dust my Broom (surprise, surprise) where Shere Khan is leading a discussion about conscription. It’s an interesting post and recommended reading. However today, for once, I’m not going to be posting my take on what the DMB crew is pondering.

After posting my response to Shere Khan’s musings, I toddled off to the hospital to visit dad. During the day, the topic of India kept coming up in conversation and stood at the fore front of my mind. I’ve always said that I miss India and would do anything to return. I think it was there that I truely understood the values of friendship, compassion, dignity and respect.

Those who haven’t already done so can read my India travel journals to learn more about my experiences. However shallow they might seem in hindsight, they had a profound effect on me and the person I’ve grown to be in the last few years.

So this evening, I leave you with the scribblings of a sometimes poet…

September, 2003
I dream of India
Silk sarees and traffic jams
The stench of unwashed bodies
Rotting food
Wet air crawling over my feet

Painted blue signs on the sides of cemeteries
“Please do not pass urine here”
Men standing directly below them
Doing just that
Where is my camera when I need it?

Tent cities and crippled beggars
Pleading with the foreigner for the Rupees in her pockets
You know you’ve stayed too long when you stop looking in their eyes
It’s easier to walk away then
You lie to yourself daily to bury the guilt

Pujas and car Ganeshas
To help survive the auto-rickshaw
Driven over roads dug by hand
Surrounded by death and rabid animals
And life

Technorati Tags: India, travel journals