If you have to ask, you’re not a member of the Edmonton Girls Pipe Band.

PRAYER FOR THE PIPE MAJOR.

Lord, give me the words to explain to everyone else the lofty purpose of this wonderful organisation, the Pipe Band, even though no one else seems to know that either.

Give me the charity to make some sense of the rules that came with the chanter of office.

May I always have the patience to bear the opinions of those band members who do nothing until I have done something, and then tell me how I should have done it.

Help me to keep both feet on the ground, and in step with the band, even when I don’t have a leg to stand on.

Grant me the tact to make a point without making me an enemy.

Lord, you know I can’t balance my cheque book, but help me read financial statements like an economist.

When the people holding the purse strings won’t let go of them, may I have the persuasion of Moses and the wisdom of Solomon. And, when no one has a clue where the money to meet our expenses is going to come from, give me the faith of Abraham, who didn’t know where he was going either, but went anyway.

Help me to forgive those members who never show their faces, or fail to practice; and to tame the “lions” who ferociously guard “their” territory.

May I always know when to threaten, and when to cajole; when to suggest, and when to drop to one knee and plead.

Make no mistake about it lord, I am the pipey. I’m not always sure how I got here – or why I ever accepted the position. But in your great mercy, give me all that I need to do the job well.

And when I have finished my term, give me the grace to let the next person take over.

And, keep my mouth shut!

Amen.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Technorati Tags: jokes, piper, highland games, beer

Warning: Ewwee, gross content below.

I’ve been living with the shame all weekend – and thus avoiding my computer and the urge to blog. I was gardening again this weekend. Umm…ok…that’s not the really shameful part.

I dropped my cell phone in water.

Yeah, umm *sigh* well, it’s truth by omission…

When I was a kid I was a huge fan of Stephen King and IT was the creepiest book I’d ever read. Perhaps it was because I already suffered from coulrophobia (and linking to this wiki entry with a picture of Pennywise was a struggle). During my teen watch every slasher and horror flick I could get my hands on phase, I caught the film version of IT. Since then, I’ve never forgotten the sound of Tim Curry‘s voice uttering the line They ALL float down here. When you’re down here with us, you’ll float too!

Cell phones don’t float. And they don’t work once their circuit boards have been fried by water.

I know – I’m getting a little ahead of myself here.

I bought these great shorts with huge side pockets and velcro closures. They’re comfy and I can wear them at work. The downside to them is that the pockets at the front are super shallow. My cell was in them when I had to run to the little girls room. You can fill-in-the-blanks on the rest.

Needless to say, my cell was fried and I was NOT in the mood to go rescue it. Sunday found me wandering aimlessly amongst the cell phone vendors attempting to pick out a new phone that I could afford and had some (if not all) of the features of my old phone. While the mission was accomplished, my new phone doesn’t have expandable memory or a speaker phone (I miss them already) and I no longer have the blackmail photo of the hubby singing karaoke as my wallpaper.

I do have a fast type keyboard on the number pad for the massive numbers of text messages I tend to send. Of course, before I can send texts, I need to rebuild my contact list.

Technorati Tags: stephen king, coulrophobia, pennywise,cell phone, water

The hubby is supposed to be coming home tomorrow and I have lots of not so great news (deaths of friends) to share when he arrives. Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy of his itinerary and he didn’t have access to email while he was away, so I have to wait for him to call when he lands to head out to the airport to pick him up. Considering we live in the north end of the city, he’s going to have a long wait at the airport for me to drive down there. Hope he’s got lots of spare change for coffee and a newspaper!

Welcome to the 30th edition of the screaming pages Thursday Thirteen. It’s the 100th Thursday Thirteen edition for the meme, so in honour of that we’ve been asked to select our Thirteen favourite T13 posts from our blog or others. Being my normal egotistical self, I’ve selected a few of my own posts.

Who am I kidding – I’m doubling up this week. Thirteen of my favourite Thursday Thirteen posts – and 13 of my favorite posts from my blog.

Thirteen Favourite Thursday Thirteen Posts. Shoes Ode to Mum Things dogs chew Caylynn’s Contemplations (double post) – 13 Conflicts Past and Present in which Canadians Have Served and 13 Ways to Take Part in Veterans’ Week Wylie Kinson – If I ruled the world Any and all of Joy’s Thankful Thursday Thirteens Title Deleted for Security Reasons – What not to do (aka: Bad! Bad! No, no, no, no, no!) Tinkerbell – Thirteen goals of a witch Writing Aspirations – 13 grammar rules used by moi Title Deleted for Security Reasons – Font of Useless Knowledge Whiskey Talking – Important Life Questions (aka Thursday Thirteen #57) West of Mars – Farming the Home This Ecclectic Life – Signs of Blogging Addiction Thirteen of my favourite posts from the screaming pages. You do what? – Brief description of the world of Instructional Design (well, my world anyway). is informal learning the wave of the future? training connundrum the road not taken no regrets Travel blogging – 26 hours in Singapore Travel blogging – Touring Mumbai – Saturday and Touring Mumbai – Sunday Travel blogging – Whirlwind tour of Agra – part 1 and Whirlwind tour of Agra – part deux Canada in Afghanistan – Supporting Our Troops, moral promises, at what cost peace?, rules of engagement, the emperor has no clothes, long hard road Lest we forget 12.06.1989 blinded by the light apples and oranges Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Technorati Tags: thursday thirteen, t13, meme