Ow! Ow! Fric’n frack’n ow!

Drew has been gone 2 weeks and I have my first injury. It’s pretty much a tradition now. I’m a clutz. The type that trips over chalk lines drawn on a sidewalk. I frequently fall down (or stand up) and go boom. Of late, one or more of the dogs plays a supporting role in how I manage to hurt myself. Lucky for Drew he’s usually out of the city or country when some of the worst ones happen. Like slipping in dog pee – isn’t house training new puppies fun? – while attempting to carry a basket of laundry downstairs. That little adventure ended with me falling down the stairs – breaking a foot and blackening an eye in the process.

Problem is, I have no idea how my current booboo happened. After a not so successful attempt at sleeping in bed on the 30th, I went to sleep in the recliner (well pseudo sleep) last night/morning perfectly normal. Well as normal as I can be. I woke up at 6am in excrutiating pain.

I toss and turn A LOT in my sleep. Ok Sherlock, got me. I flail. Often in constant motion. I’m apparently participating in some dance lessons or sports while I dream. If and when I do sleep. Unmedicated that is. It baffles me that Drew and the dogs manage to sleep through it most nights. I don’t know if my sleep related hijinks are directly related to the cause of my injury but I suspect so at this point.

Since I don’t play a doctor on tv, I don’t know if it’s a bone, nerve, or muscle/tendon issue but I’m leaning towards the latter. There’s swelling between the knuckes of my index and pointer fingers in my left hand and depending on how I move my index finger the pain radiates to my wrist or elbow. I can’t straighten the finger completely nor can I bend it sufficiently to close a my hand into a fist. Any motion of the hand sets off a dull throbbing.

So I’m now a tad bit worried. I don’t know if any of the local walk-in clinics will be open it being New Year’s day and a holiday and all. I’ve got other problems now too. If a clinic is open I don’t know how I’m going to manage to dress myself and drive there. And if it is muscle related I don’t know if they’ll be able to do anything more than load me up with drugs anyway.

You don’t realize you much you use your hands and how pivitol you index finger is to you until you’ve managed to hurt it.

Whatever the cause and eventual diagnosis, this better heal soon. I’m back at work and school as of Monday.

Argh! I think I’m going to take an ibuprofin an try to go back to sleep for a few hours. Any clinics certainly won’t be open at this hour and 3 hours of sleep is not enough to try and tackle getting dressed and driving.

Anyone want to spend their New Year’s holiday sitting in a waiting room slowly going out of your mind to keep me company? Didn’t think so.

As to how I managed to blog this…one finger. Tapping. On an iPhone. Took nearly an hour to complete. Using an actual keyboard is out of the question. For now.

Confession time –

If you know me well what appears below will not be a surprise. There are bits and pieces of me you’ll easily recognize. That doesn’t mean you understand what I’ve written. Dont worry You’re in good company. I know my mother doesn’t.

I can be very annoying for a variety of reasons. I am somewhat lacking in social skills. I wonder how much of this is related to my being an introvert and how much is the result of how I was raised. The classic nature vs. nurture debate. I’m sure it’s a bit of both with the introversion tendencies holding the balance of power and responsibility.

Most of my social contact with others is driven by Drew. There are times when just the thought of seeing or spending time with others drains the life out of me. That’s probably not the best way to describe it but it is accurate. I find being in the company of others exhausting – especially if there is any sort of “drama” involved. Drew, a huge extrovert with a good chunk of understanding of my introversion, helps me to keep my balance. I know it occassionally annoys him but we’ve learned to cope with my ingrained personality traits.

Sometimes the thought of having to spend time with people makes me physically ill. It can be a struggle for me to motivate myself to willingly enter social situations. Often alcohol is involved. If I have a few beer to take the edge off, the crush of people and voices doesn’t affect me as much. But I don’t want to have to rely on drinking to survive group situations. So I often stay home and hope my stomach (and other bits) settle down and Drew goes out alone.

That’s not to say that I never want to spend time with others or that it always involves alcohol in some form. Obviously, if yesterday’s breakfast is anything to go by, I do enjoy connecting with others and conversation. I had a fabulous time and nothing stronger than coffee was involved. But now that I have had that experience I am perfectly content not to spend time with another human being – or groups of zombies masquerading as humans – for days or weeks.

I’ve learned through years of socialization that I have to have contact with others in a work setting in order to accomplish goals, however, I struggle to balance my natural “flight” reaction to physical interaction with my safety needs (work being a necessity to achieve food & shelter).

Unlike an extrovert, I don’t need (or want) social/physical contact with people on a regular basis to fill my needs. I often wonder if forcing myself to have regular face-to-face social contact with others is in direct opposition to my needs. Perhaps I am doing more damage than good when I force myself – and force is an accurate term, I believe – to gather and interact with others?

At minimum I know that attempting to fulfill social contracts – those expectations associated with friendship – often results in my feeling resentful. If I am not “ready” to spend time with others then I tend to become frustrated that I have to knowingly, though often unwillingly, place myself in a situation that I know will take a mental, physical, and emotional toll on me. I become upset that others have expectations of me but seem to be (and this is my interpretation so it could be completely wrong) unwilling or unable to accept that their needs are in direct opposition to my own.

In other words in order to make others happy I may have to make myself miserable. I feel an extra-ordinary amount of pressure to always be the one to bend in order to make others “happy” because, for reasons I’m unable to fully understand, some individuals I interact with seem to take my reactions to social situations in general as a personal insult. I acknowledge that their feelings are just as valid as my own. I just don’t know how to guide others to understand that my reactions and struggles have nothing to do with them per se and is certainly not a reflection of the value I place on them or their friendship.

What I have learned over the decades is that it’s extremely rare for me to find others who understand and accept my strange flaws and behaviour. It takes a really special person, like Drew, to succeed or thrive in connection with me. Since I cherish the gift of their friendship I often push myself to spend time with them. I’m not always successful but I do try.

Over 15 years ago, through BBS usage and havening, I learned that I’m far more comfortable in an online world than the physical. Online I can converse with who I wish when I wish. I can be as open or closed about subjects as I choose. And I can disconnect and return to solitude whenever I wish. Online it is possible to live without being perpetually worried about potentially hurting someone’s ego.

I would rather read than speak. I would rather watch than interact. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with my “wiring”. Now I am learning to accept and articulate it. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you. We are just different.

I often wonder what part my attempts to balance social interactions and all the attendant stress plays in my insomnia? I frequently struggle to “shut my brain off” and find rejuvination in sleep. Rarely are the thoughts keeping me awake at night related to work or school. Most often it’s in some way related to the stress of interacting with others. If I were a hermit with an Internet connection would I sleep better at night?

Spent the morning at my first ever Breakfast Bloggers group outing. A few months back I joined a group of very interesting blogging women located in and around Edmonton for dinner. They normally meet for breakfast (which sometimes morphs into lunch) but since I work full-time I was never able to join them. So to accommodate my joining the party we all went out for dinner. I’m not to good with meeting new people so I dragged Drew along. D [Colours of Dawn] was going to bring her blogging hubby SD [Sirdar] along but he wasn’t feeling well and missed out on dinner at the Greek restaurant (and meeting Drew).

Before we knew that Drew would be leaving we had all planned to meet for another dinner. Just my luck that the selected date turned out to be the day Drew flew out. Others were ill or had last minute committments arise that eventually led to a mass exodus of dinner participants. We rescheduled the dinner to a breakfast session held today.

Many of the Breakfast Bloggers have mentioned in past entries that the time passes quickly during the breakfast sessions and they can morph into lunch sessions.

Today we visited a nice little restaurant for brekky at 9am and before we knew it was 2pm. At that point we had to stay for lunch :). I finally met SD and caught up on N’s [My Friend Told Me I Should] pregnancy status. D2 [A Step at a Time] had to leave quickly after lunch and was very sneaky – paying the bills for all our lunches on her way out the door. Thanks D2!

Before long it was past 4pm and time for everyone to run home. I caught a ride with J2 [A Spot of  T] (if you follow me on Twitter you may have seen her Tweet from my account this morning – had to show off the iPhone) as I haven’t been sleeping well and was worried about driving to the west end and back while horribly sleep deprived.

I had a fabulous time and am now exhausted. I am hoping to stay awake for a few more hours and that my sleep rhythms will reset themselves. I am tired of not being able to sleep until 4am and getting up at 9am…

My only regret is that I don’t get to join everyone on a regular basis because of work. Everyone is so different and yet get along together so well. I’ve never before met such an interesting group of women. I do have some vacation time accrued and should seriously consider taking the odd day off to attend future group meals.

Home just before 5pm with little time to finish off Drew’s care package and get it to the Post Office for shipping. Oops! Guess I’ll get it into the mail tomorrow.

*Names are obscured to protect the not so innocent. Go read their blogs to find out who they are. But you should already know – since every good blogger or commenter should be reading their blogs *grin*

Current Mood: Bored

Classes don’t officially start until Jan 5th but I figured I’d get a head start since the bookstore was kind enough to send me my texts early. Last night I managed to read all the associated readings for the first two weeks of the class.  Tonight I’m going to try to get at least one more week’s worth of reading completed.

Ah, the exciting life I lead when Drew’s gone…

More seats at the table will forever remain empty. My deepest sympathies go out to the families and friends of the three Canadian soldiers who have died in Afghanistan since Friday. We must also keep the families of the Afghan soldiers, police officers, and interpreters who have also died in our thoughts and prayers.

I had hoped Drew would go his whole tour without ever witnessing a ramp ceremony and yet now he shall have attended two in less than a week.

My heart breaks a little everytime I read the news. There are times when I think I need to disconnect from the Interwebs and stop watching the news but the politics and news junkie in me is unable to do so.

There are nightmares that military families live with daily. To address them we set ground rules. The most important one when a spouse (or child, sibling, etc.) is deployed is that you never drop in unannounced for a visit. No matter where you are “in the neighbourhood” don’t ever ring my doorbell without calling first to let me know you’re visiting.

Spouses, children, parents, and siblings all dread the possibility that a padre will walk up the walk-way and ring the doorbell. Normally filling a position of comfort or joy, when a member of your family is deployed the padre is the last person you want to see near your home.

Our shared goal is to make it through the months never having heard a doorbell ring. Don’t ring mine.