1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: ‘ED-MIN-TIN’.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On the QE2, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Edmonton now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Southwest Edmonton, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Exception to Rule #6: If you are the 4th car back from a light that has turned green, you must honk your horn to alert the vehicle first at the intersection that the light has changed. Vehicle 2 & 3 won’t shoot you as they are too busy trying to figure out how to ram the first vehicle through the intersection.
8. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Edmonton. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.
9. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.
10. Get on Groat Road & you’ll find yourself on St Albert Trail; Calgary Trail, Gateway Boulevard, Highway 2 and the QE2 are the same  road. In the same manner, Whyte Avenue, Sherwood Park Freeway and Wye Road are the same road; Capilano Freeway, Wayne Gretzky Drive, Fort Road, 75 Street and 66 Street are also the same road; got it? Now don’t even start with The Anthony Henday/Ring Road thing!
11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally Activated.’
12. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 km zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
13. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and Blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw. You also may run out of gas waiting in Tim’s drive thru.

Our phone number is similar to that of a local school. Occassionally we get calls from parents who have transposed two of the numbers. Today we got a call from a woman who was trying to register her kids in grade 7. Despite the fact that the answering machine messages says “hi, you’ve reached name and name lastname, we’re not home right now. leave a message after the beep” we continually receive messages from parents to frazzled or lazy to actually listen to the message.

Tonight, the hubby tried to call the woman back to let her know she’d called the wrong number and give her the correct number for the school. The fact that the call was at 8pm should have been a hint to the woman that it wasn’t a school calling. The conversation (which I got to listen to on speaker phone) went like this:

Him: Hi, you called our house and left a message on our machine about registering your kids in school. You called the wrong number. You need to call ###-####.

Her: I’m trying to register name for grade 7.

Him: We’re not a school. You need to call the school to register. The number is ###-####.

Her: [interupting at the end of his sentence] But I need to register my kid for school. He’s going to be in grade 7.

Him: You didn’t call the school. You called our house. I’m trying to let you know you called the wrong number.

Her: He needs to be in grade 7.

Him: We’re not a school.

Her: His name is XX. What do you need for registration?

Him: We’re full. We’re not accepting any registrations.

Her: [angry] What?

Him: We’re full.

Her: What about grade 6? I can hold him back a year.

Him: We’re full.

Her: I have another son I need to register in grade 9.

Him: We don’t have a grade 9.

Her: I thought you were grades 6-9.

Him: No, we’re not a school. You called a house. You need to call the school. If we were a school, we’d be k-8.

Her: But…

Him: We’re full. [hangs up]

So much for trying to be nice and do someone a favour. During the school year, we receive 5-10 calls a week from parents who never listen to our answering machine messages and leave messages about doctor and dentist appointments, ill children, etc. If the message sounds urgent and not too much time has passed since it was received, we do try to call the parents back to let them know they called the wrong number and give them the correct one. Never seems to resolve the problem.

Oddly enough, I get more angry parents as a result of their mistakes than I get grateful ones. I have a feeling we should just stop trying…

Technorati Tags: phone calls, parents, school, wrong number

1. No matter when you change your reed, it only blows out as you march off.
2. Any reed changed just before a parade will be too hard to blow.
3. When the Pipe Major is watching you, your drones will never start right.
4. Clean white shirts will get dirty in the clothing bag.
5. Careful accounting of your gear the night before means that you will forget something.
6. Months of practice on a six-part tune means you will only remember one part on parade.
7. If you call “By the Right…..” – sure as hell someone will start on the right foot.
8. When someone important is watching, the Drum Major will always call the “Halt!” on the wrong foot.
9. Some band members rise to their own level of incompetence – then stay there.
10. When the band sounds good – wait till the next tune.
11. Bandsmen come and bandsmen go – but screw-ups continue.
12. The degree of band screwing-up is in direct proportion to how important the event is.
13. If the band plays an easy tune long enough – they will screw it up.
14. Any chanter reed that will blow, will blow 30 seconds before march-off.
15. Any drum head that breaks, will do so 30 seconds after march-off.
16. All Pipe Majors believe that their bands will get better with practice.
17. All pipers have a scheme to break-in their own reeds, none of which work.
18. You will always remember to take your hose out of the dryer on the way to the parade.
19. There is never time to do it right, but we find time to do it wrong.
20. Every time the Bass Drummer tries a new beat, the pipers just hear a double-beat and quit playing.
21. The bus is never on time, but when it is, it’s not your bus.
22. At least once every parade, a drummer will drop or break a stick.
23. When all is going correctly, look out, something is wrong.
24. When more than one piper cannot shut off his drones properly, its the Pipe Major’s fault.
25. All important parades must be done during the pipers’ holidays.
26. A good band practice does not mean a good parade.
27. A bad band practice does not mean a good parade.
28. Some pipers claim that “Preparation” is a piper’s best friend.
29. Pipe reeds only come in one type – too hard for your pipers to play.
30. Side drums only stay in tune until you have to play them.
31. A full turn-out at band practice does not mean a full turn-out on parade.
32. Band members’ clocks are always one half hour behind the Pipe Major’s.
33. Any person who wants to be a Pipe Major is CRAZY!

[1] “Murray’s Laws of Piping” – by P.M. Murray Martin, Army, Navy, and Air Force Pipes & Drums, Belleville, Ontario.

If you have to ask, you’re not a member of the Edmonton Girls Pipe Band.

PRAYER FOR THE PIPE MAJOR.

Lord, give me the words to explain to everyone else the lofty purpose of this wonderful organisation, the Pipe Band, even though no one else seems to know that either.

Give me the charity to make some sense of the rules that came with the chanter of office.

May I always have the patience to bear the opinions of those band members who do nothing until I have done something, and then tell me how I should have done it.

Help me to keep both feet on the ground, and in step with the band, even when I don’t have a leg to stand on.

Grant me the tact to make a point without making me an enemy.

Lord, you know I can’t balance my cheque book, but help me read financial statements like an economist.

When the people holding the purse strings won’t let go of them, may I have the persuasion of Moses and the wisdom of Solomon. And, when no one has a clue where the money to meet our expenses is going to come from, give me the faith of Abraham, who didn’t know where he was going either, but went anyway.

Help me to forgive those members who never show their faces, or fail to practice; and to tame the “lions” who ferociously guard “their” territory.

May I always know when to threaten, and when to cajole; when to suggest, and when to drop to one knee and plead.

Make no mistake about it lord, I am the pipey. I’m not always sure how I got here – or why I ever accepted the position. But in your great mercy, give me all that I need to do the job well.

And when I have finished my term, give me the grace to let the next person take over.

And, keep my mouth shut!

Amen.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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