Confession time –

If you know me well what appears below will not be a surprise. There are bits and pieces of me you’ll easily recognize. That doesn’t mean you understand what I’ve written. Dont worry You’re in good company. I know my mother doesn’t.

I can be very annoying for a variety of reasons. I am somewhat lacking in social skills. I wonder how much of this is related to my being an introvert and how much is the result of how I was raised. The classic nature vs. nurture debate. I’m sure it’s a bit of both with the introversion tendencies holding the balance of power and responsibility.

Most of my social contact with others is driven by Drew. There are times when just the thought of seeing or spending time with others drains the life out of me. That’s probably not the best way to describe it but it is accurate. I find being in the company of others exhausting – especially if there is any sort of “drama” involved. Drew, a huge extrovert with a good chunk of understanding of my introversion, helps me to keep my balance. I know it occassionally annoys him but we’ve learned to cope with my ingrained personality traits.

Sometimes the thought of having to spend time with people makes me physically ill. It can be a struggle for me to motivate myself to willingly enter social situations. Often alcohol is involved. If I have a few beer to take the edge off, the crush of people and voices doesn’t affect me as much. But I don’t want to have to rely on drinking to survive group situations. So I often stay home and hope my stomach (and other bits) settle down and Drew goes out alone.

That’s not to say that I never want to spend time with others or that it always involves alcohol in some form. Obviously, if yesterday’s breakfast is anything to go by, I do enjoy connecting with others and conversation. I had a fabulous time and nothing stronger than coffee was involved. But now that I have had that experience I am perfectly content not to spend time with another human being – or groups of zombies masquerading as humans – for days or weeks.

I’ve learned through years of socialization that I have to have contact with others in a work setting in order to accomplish goals, however, I struggle to balance my natural “flight” reaction to physical interaction with my safety needs (work being a necessity to achieve food & shelter).

Unlike an extrovert, I don’t need (or want) social/physical contact with people on a regular basis to fill my needs. I often wonder if forcing myself to have regular face-to-face social contact with others is in direct opposition to my needs. Perhaps I am doing more damage than good when I force myself – and force is an accurate term, I believe – to gather and interact with others?

At minimum I know that attempting to fulfill social contracts – those expectations associated with friendship – often results in my feeling resentful. If I am not “ready” to spend time with others then I tend to become frustrated that I have to knowingly, though often unwillingly, place myself in a situation that I know will take a mental, physical, and emotional toll on me. I become upset that others have expectations of me but seem to be (and this is my interpretation so it could be completely wrong) unwilling or unable to accept that their needs are in direct opposition to my own.

In other words in order to make others happy I may have to make myself miserable. I feel an extra-ordinary amount of pressure to always be the one to bend in order to make others “happy” because, for reasons I’m unable to fully understand, some individuals I interact with seem to take my reactions to social situations in general as a personal insult. I acknowledge that their feelings are just as valid as my own. I just don’t know how to guide others to understand that my reactions and struggles have nothing to do with them per se and is certainly not a reflection of the value I place on them or their friendship.

What I have learned over the decades is that it’s extremely rare for me to find others who understand and accept my strange flaws and behaviour. It takes a really special person, like Drew, to succeed or thrive in connection with me. Since I cherish the gift of their friendship I often push myself to spend time with them. I’m not always successful but I do try.

Over 15 years ago, through BBS usage and havening, I learned that I’m far more comfortable in an online world than the physical. Online I can converse with who I wish when I wish. I can be as open or closed about subjects as I choose. And I can disconnect and return to solitude whenever I wish. Online it is possible to live without being perpetually worried about potentially hurting someone’s ego.

I would rather read than speak. I would rather watch than interact. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with my “wiring”. Now I am learning to accept and articulate it. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you. We are just different.

I often wonder what part my attempts to balance social interactions and all the attendant stress plays in my insomnia? I frequently struggle to “shut my brain off” and find rejuvination in sleep. Rarely are the thoughts keeping me awake at night related to work or school. Most often it’s in some way related to the stress of interacting with others. If I were a hermit with an Internet connection would I sleep better at night?

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