Seasonal stress and taking a load off

Scribbled down on November 3rd, 2010 by she
Posted in Friends & Family, Random Burbling

If the decorations in stores and prevalence of Christmas music over the airwaves are anything to go by, the holiday season is fast approaching.

I, for one, am not happy about this. 

Frequently when I blog I end up having to censor myself. Because if I wrote what I was really thinking I’d end up with a series of phone calls from friends and family all claiming to be hurt in some manner. Hell, even when my posts are self-censored I still get those calls. Whether or not my writings were associated with them in the first place is usually a moot point…

This trend stresses me out to no end. I frequently feel that when the hubs isn’t home, I have no one that I can openly talk to who won’t judge me and who will at least attempt to see things from my point of view. Sometimes I blog in search of finding someone else who has experienced the same thing. A cyber replacement for hubs if you will. Or, at the very least, a feeling that I am not alone in the universe. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that an extrovert has difficulty understanding the mind (and physiological responses to situations) of an introvert. And vice versa of course.

The Christmas season is fast approaching and I’m stressed to no end. Today I’ve decided to skip the self-censorship and just write what I’m thinking. And if anyone calls to discuss or complain about anything in this post, I will hang up on you. Consider yourself warned.

I’m not the biggest fan of the Christmas holiday season. I don’t like decorating. I don’t enjoy the music. I find those who claim to follow religion to be most hypocritical when it comes to “the true spirit of the season“. I’d rather skip the entire production. The only good thing about any holiday is the shared meal with my neighbours; the same communal meal that takes place on every major holiday or at random backyard BBQs. I enjoy our gatherings very much.

A few years ago I made the conscious decision to stop giving gifts and instead give money to charity. For the past 2 years, I’ve asked my friends and family to do the same. Pick a charity. Any charity. Donate time, money or goods to them. Some people took me up on my challenge. Some enjoyed it. Others expressed their displeasure and disappointment and not getting gifts. Fine. You don’t have to like it. But I shouldn’t feel pressured into completely disregarding my own value system in order to make someone else happy.

And yet, I do.

Christmas isn’t even here and I’m already feeling sick, stressed, pressured, dismissed and disrespected. The chorus of orders rings in my head. “Do this. Do that. I expect this…” ARGH! 

Why do I always have to be miserable just so someone else is happy? Why can’t I be the one that gets to be happy?

Or, skip the happiness part of the equation. Why are my wishes and values so easy for others to dismiss as inconsequential? What makes the things important to me so easy for others to dismiss out of hand? Why don’t others experience qualms about demanding I bend to their wishes?

If all your friends jumped off a bridge…

This is my problem with Christmas. Or any other social gathering with expectations and customs attached. I’m extremely introverted. I’m socially awkward. And after 35 years of trying to be someone else – someone who fits in better with the extroverted mainstream – I’ve learned that I need to stop trying to please others and just be me. You don’t have to understand me. You just have to learn to take me as I am. Or not, as the case may be.

Now if only I could learn to say “no“. Then I wouldn’t get myself into these stressful messes in the first place. Feeling bullied to do exactly what others want me to do so they can be happy.

Maybe I should start here. I don’t want to exchange gifts. I don’t want to go to a party. I don’t want a tree in my home for the cat to climb or the dogs to pee on. I will not go to church and sit through sermons for a religion I find conflicts with my base value system. I might drink the egg nog.


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5 Responses to “Seasonal stress and taking a load off”

  1. Laughing Muse Says:

    There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to exchange gifts, for not wanting to attend or host great big social events, for not wanting to decorate. I’ve had to firmly tell my parents, no, they may not make US Thanksgiving visits to my house their “tradition”. I do not want to host them or anyone else on a regular basis just because of the date on the calendar. (My next door neighbor seems to believe that this means boo hoo, I’m all alone for the holidays and isn’t that sad. She didn’t quite know what to do with my “thank you for the invitation but I’m going to decline” response to “You’re coming over for Thanksgiving dinner, right?”)

    Saying “thank you for thinking of me and wanting to include me, but I prefer not to participate” does not make you evil, or stupid, or wrong, or somehow weird. It would make you a bit rude if you just stopped replying to people at all, didn’t offer any explanations, just ignored them. It sounds like that is very specifically what you did NOT do. So the problem is on those who feel slighted.

    Just stick to your statement, calmly but firmly. If you’d like, feel free to re-use the phrase “thank you for wanting to include me, but I prefer not to participate”. Use it in good health. (In bad health, use something else. I don’t want your germs. 😀 ) It may take a few years of you sticking to your guns for your family to “get it”. Some of them never ever will. But your nonparticipation isn’t some kind of statement that you don’t like them any more, just like your previous years of participation wasn’t a statement saying that you were thrilled to be there and giddy with delight over every single aspect of The Grande Celebration.

    And you’re always welcome at my place for a week of minimal holiday decoration, lots of coffee with eggnog in, science fiction in the DVD player, and lots and lots of books. (And cats.)

  2. There is nothing wrong with what you have written. I completely relate to virtually everything you have written being pretty much the biggest introverted extrovert I know.

    The problem, I see, is sheer expectation. Big family Christmases were never a major part of my life either growing up or now; my sister lives in Wales and runs a pub so their loyalties lie there and my brother is more interested in seeing his kids, so it’s just me and my parents and it’s got to the point where we can’t even be bothered to open gifts. I love the lights and tinsel, but hate the depression and dark when it all comes down on January so I’ve made a conscious decision to have hardly any decorations
    now. My house, my life – deal with it. Maybe if I’d had a family of my
    own it might have been different, but as it is as long as we can get the
    annual Christmas argument done by Christmas Eve we can all relax.

    I don’t have the money to buy the sort of gifts I want to buy for those I care about, so sweetie, be true to yourself and I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you to do so. I understand how you feel and how ostracized you end up feeling.

  3. I agree on all counts. My partner and I have made a similar arrangement – to keep Christmas as low key as possible. To make the point to our families, we have even done two Christmases in Mexico and left for a trip to NZ on Christmas Day a couple of years ago. While we’re not doing that this year (unfortunately), it’s instructive in two ways. First, it clarifies the message that there’s nothing so particularly special about December 25 that we can’t be away from family and friends for it. Second, it shows us that you CAN experience a much simpler form of the holiday in a different culture. Mexicans don’t make the whole big commercial deal about it. Just cheesy Mexican Christmas music in a few big stores and the lobbies of the resort hotels.

    I could happily live out the rest of my days without it. And one final thought – who says the lights have to come down after Christmas? If I go to the trouble of putting them up, they stay there sometimes all year! I love festive lights in January and February when the cold and dark get to me most.

  4. Amen on so many levels. The season wouldn’t be as stressful as it is if it hadn’t been turned into a giant excuse to sell stuff. The togetherness and warmth kinda make me enjoy it a bit, but the in-your-face, relentless commercialism just makes me want to hurl. There’s no significance to it, nothing beyond boosting retailers’ bottom lines. Ick.

    I can’t wait till it’s over. Until then, I’ll be the one burrowed under the duvet cover.

  5. I for one also feel there is nothing wrong with your feelings. We are very low key as well and I too have taken to making donations (thanks to your suggestion) to my favorite charities instead of gifts. For the few kids that I usually bought gifts for, last year I donated to charities in their names. I will be doing the same this year. We also went to Maui last year over the holiday season and loved it. We still had turkey dinner on the 25th but did it wearing shorts on a dinner cruise. Not sure what the plan is this year. I do have a tiny tree and if we stay home I will put it up but also have the cat issue. See your not alone.

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