1. Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
   A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
2. Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
   A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
3. Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
   A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
4. Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
   A. You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.
5. Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
6. Q. What’s the definition of a gentleman?
   A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.
7. Q. What’s the range of a bagpipe?
   A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
8. A piper was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to start his own. He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first instruments he saw. Give me the red saxophone and that accordion! he said. The assistant replied, You play the pipes, don’t you? The piper responded, That’s right. Why? The assistant smiled; Well, the fire extinguisher I can sell you – but the radiator stays.
9. Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
   A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
10. Q. How do you put a twinkle in a piper’s eye?
    A. Shine a light in his ear.
11. Ireland gave the Scots the bagpipes . . . and they still haven’t gotten the joke yet
12. A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signaled his CO. Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one piper.
13. By some rare chance. A piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him one day and says, “Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?” “Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Enumclaw Highland games was hotter than this”.
    So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks again, “Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?” “Well, to tell ya the truth son, the Tacoma Highland games was just as hot”.
    Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so hot there glowing cherry red and the demons are starting to pass out from the heat. After a day of this Satan asks “Well Scotty, hot enough for you now?!” “Well, to tell ya the truth son, my band practice hall was just as hot”.
    Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
    The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He’s shivering and slapping himself to try to stay warm, but he’s jumping up and down celebrating.
    Satan looks at him and says, “Now, Scotty, you’re obviously not doing well in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?”
    Scotty says to him “are you kiddin’, Man? ‘ Hell’s just frozen over! That means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPE BAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!

Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences
Is allowed his own sidearm
Can read a railway timetable
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
Believes in God

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
Has his own train set
Wears Wellington boots
Talks to himself

Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks
Is NEVER allowed near firearms
Says “Look at CHOO-CHOO”
Plays in puddles
Nobody listens to him

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in her teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
She IS GOD!!!!

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