I am trying to decide how to process today. Like a true useless female critter, I got so angry and frustrated that I cried like a baby. I hate it when I do that. It’s a completely involuntary and silly response and I wish I had better control over myself so I didn’t take things so personally. Or at least that I could get angry and just explode like most people do. Instead I fell apart. I don’t even have something useful like menopause to blame my reactions on.

What’s worse, no one is able to provide any sort of answer or direction to my underlying question. Instead, we’re all supposed to fall on our swords in order to appease others. Many times I’ve accepted responsibility for the actions or mistakes of others and willingly stepped up to the plate.  Today I felt an extreme amount of pressure to do so despite knowing that there was very little of the mess that I had any authority or manner of control over. I feel like the nerdy kid on the playground being harassed by the school yard bully. I am sure I’m not the only one.

Things are changing. I hope for the better.

When I arrived home I found the snow shoveling fairy had made a visit. This small nicety from a neighbour immediately improved my mood. I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful people who surround me and the things they do, without expecting anything in return, that shows that someone cares.

I also got an interesting email tonight. If nothing else, it provides a sense of hope to cling to. I just hope I can hold on to the second quarter.  Many times I feel somewhat unemployable as I sit in limbo between odd skill set and past experience and formal education. I often wish I had something else to fall back on, like office admin skills, so I could go work elsewhere. But I don’t.  I have a lot of respect for admins because they know how to do things I can’t imagine how to complete. I used to joke that it was my ego that kept me from applying for positions like that. But it’s not.  It’s a combination of other things. I know I don’t have the requisite knowledge and skill set to be good at the position – and I hate not being good at what I do – and I know I’d be quickly bored.

Bored me is not a good person to be around.

In the meantime I guess I wait.  And hope. And keep my eyes open and ears to the ground. Obscure much?

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