I am trying to decide how to process today. Like a true useless female critter, I got so angry and frustrated that I cried like a baby. I hate it when I do that. It’s a completely involuntary and silly response and I wish I had better control over myself so I didn’t take things so personally. Or at least that I could get angry and just explode like most people do. Instead I fell apart. I don’t even have something useful like menopause to blame my reactions on.

What’s worse, no one is able to provide any sort of answer or direction to my underlying question. Instead, we’re all supposed to fall on our swords in order to appease others. Many times I’ve accepted responsibility for the actions or mistakes of others and willingly stepped up to the plate.  Today I felt an extreme amount of pressure to do so despite knowing that there was very little of the mess that I had any authority or manner of control over. I feel like the nerdy kid on the playground being harassed by the school yard bully. I am sure I’m not the only one.

Things are changing. I hope for the better.

When I arrived home I found the snow shoveling fairy had made a visit. This small nicety from a neighbour immediately improved my mood. I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful people who surround me and the things they do, without expecting anything in return, that shows that someone cares.

I also got an interesting email tonight. If nothing else, it provides a sense of hope to cling to. I just hope I can hold on to the second quarter.  Many times I feel somewhat unemployable as I sit in limbo between odd skill set and past experience and formal education. I often wish I had something else to fall back on, like office admin skills, so I could go work elsewhere. But I don’t.  I have a lot of respect for admins because they know how to do things I can’t imagine how to complete. I used to joke that it was my ego that kept me from applying for positions like that. But it’s not.  It’s a combination of other things. I know I don’t have the requisite knowledge and skill set to be good at the position – and I hate not being good at what I do – and I know I’d be quickly bored.

Bored me is not a good person to be around.

In the meantime I guess I wait.  And hope. And keep my eyes open and ears to the ground. Obscure much?

Ow! Ow! Fric’n frack’n ow!

Drew has been gone 2 weeks and I have my first injury. It’s pretty much a tradition now. I’m a clutz. The type that trips over chalk lines drawn on a sidewalk. I frequently fall down (or stand up) and go boom. Of late, one or more of the dogs plays a supporting role in how I manage to hurt myself. Lucky for Drew he’s usually out of the city or country when some of the worst ones happen. Like slipping in dog pee – isn’t house training new puppies fun? – while attempting to carry a basket of laundry downstairs. That little adventure ended with me falling down the stairs – breaking a foot and blackening an eye in the process.

Problem is, I have no idea how my current booboo happened. After a not so successful attempt at sleeping in bed on the 30th, I went to sleep in the recliner (well pseudo sleep) last night/morning perfectly normal. Well as normal as I can be. I woke up at 6am in excrutiating pain.

I toss and turn A LOT in my sleep. Ok Sherlock, got me. I flail. Often in constant motion. I’m apparently participating in some dance lessons or sports while I dream. If and when I do sleep. Unmedicated that is. It baffles me that Drew and the dogs manage to sleep through it most nights. I don’t know if my sleep related hijinks are directly related to the cause of my injury but I suspect so at this point.

Since I don’t play a doctor on tv, I don’t know if it’s a bone, nerve, or muscle/tendon issue but I’m leaning towards the latter. There’s swelling between the knuckes of my index and pointer fingers in my left hand and depending on how I move my index finger the pain radiates to my wrist or elbow. I can’t straighten the finger completely nor can I bend it sufficiently to close a my hand into a fist. Any motion of the hand sets off a dull throbbing.

So I’m now a tad bit worried. I don’t know if any of the local walk-in clinics will be open it being New Year’s day and a holiday and all. I’ve got other problems now too. If a clinic is open I don’t know how I’m going to manage to dress myself and drive there. And if it is muscle related I don’t know if they’ll be able to do anything more than load me up with drugs anyway.

You don’t realize you much you use your hands and how pivitol you index finger is to you until you’ve managed to hurt it.

Whatever the cause and eventual diagnosis, this better heal soon. I’m back at work and school as of Monday.

Argh! I think I’m going to take an ibuprofin an try to go back to sleep for a few hours. Any clinics certainly won’t be open at this hour and 3 hours of sleep is not enough to try and tackle getting dressed and driving.

Anyone want to spend their New Year’s holiday sitting in a waiting room slowly going out of your mind to keep me company? Didn’t think so.

As to how I managed to blog this…one finger. Tapping. On an iPhone. Took nearly an hour to complete. Using an actual keyboard is out of the question. For now.

Confession time –

If you know me well what appears below will not be a surprise. There are bits and pieces of me you’ll easily recognize. That doesn’t mean you understand what I’ve written. Dont worry You’re in good company. I know my mother doesn’t.

I can be very annoying for a variety of reasons. I am somewhat lacking in social skills. I wonder how much of this is related to my being an introvert and how much is the result of how I was raised. The classic nature vs. nurture debate. I’m sure it’s a bit of both with the introversion tendencies holding the balance of power and responsibility.

Most of my social contact with others is driven by Drew. There are times when just the thought of seeing or spending time with others drains the life out of me. That’s probably not the best way to describe it but it is accurate. I find being in the company of others exhausting – especially if there is any sort of “drama” involved. Drew, a huge extrovert with a good chunk of understanding of my introversion, helps me to keep my balance. I know it occassionally annoys him but we’ve learned to cope with my ingrained personality traits.

Sometimes the thought of having to spend time with people makes me physically ill. It can be a struggle for me to motivate myself to willingly enter social situations. Often alcohol is involved. If I have a few beer to take the edge off, the crush of people and voices doesn’t affect me as much. But I don’t want to have to rely on drinking to survive group situations. So I often stay home and hope my stomach (and other bits) settle down and Drew goes out alone.

That’s not to say that I never want to spend time with others or that it always involves alcohol in some form. Obviously, if yesterday’s breakfast is anything to go by, I do enjoy connecting with others and conversation. I had a fabulous time and nothing stronger than coffee was involved. But now that I have had that experience I am perfectly content not to spend time with another human being – or groups of zombies masquerading as humans – for days or weeks.

I’ve learned through years of socialization that I have to have contact with others in a work setting in order to accomplish goals, however, I struggle to balance my natural “flight” reaction to physical interaction with my safety needs (work being a necessity to achieve food & shelter).

Unlike an extrovert, I don’t need (or want) social/physical contact with people on a regular basis to fill my needs. I often wonder if forcing myself to have regular face-to-face social contact with others is in direct opposition to my needs. Perhaps I am doing more damage than good when I force myself – and force is an accurate term, I believe – to gather and interact with others?

At minimum I know that attempting to fulfill social contracts – those expectations associated with friendship – often results in my feeling resentful. If I am not “ready” to spend time with others then I tend to become frustrated that I have to knowingly, though often unwillingly, place myself in a situation that I know will take a mental, physical, and emotional toll on me. I become upset that others have expectations of me but seem to be (and this is my interpretation so it could be completely wrong) unwilling or unable to accept that their needs are in direct opposition to my own.

In other words in order to make others happy I may have to make myself miserable. I feel an extra-ordinary amount of pressure to always be the one to bend in order to make others “happy” because, for reasons I’m unable to fully understand, some individuals I interact with seem to take my reactions to social situations in general as a personal insult. I acknowledge that their feelings are just as valid as my own. I just don’t know how to guide others to understand that my reactions and struggles have nothing to do with them per se and is certainly not a reflection of the value I place on them or their friendship.

What I have learned over the decades is that it’s extremely rare for me to find others who understand and accept my strange flaws and behaviour. It takes a really special person, like Drew, to succeed or thrive in connection with me. Since I cherish the gift of their friendship I often push myself to spend time with them. I’m not always successful but I do try.

Over 15 years ago, through BBS usage and havening, I learned that I’m far more comfortable in an online world than the physical. Online I can converse with who I wish when I wish. I can be as open or closed about subjects as I choose. And I can disconnect and return to solitude whenever I wish. Online it is possible to live without being perpetually worried about potentially hurting someone’s ego.

I would rather read than speak. I would rather watch than interact. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with my “wiring”. Now I am learning to accept and articulate it. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you. We are just different.

I often wonder what part my attempts to balance social interactions and all the attendant stress plays in my insomnia? I frequently struggle to “shut my brain off” and find rejuvination in sleep. Rarely are the thoughts keeping me awake at night related to work or school. Most often it’s in some way related to the stress of interacting with others. If I were a hermit with an Internet connection would I sleep better at night?

We Canucks are good at whining about the weather. Gives us something to babble about no matter where in the country we originally hail from.

And you know it’s cold when your dogs refuse to stay outside for more than a few minutes at a time.

I’m not fond of the winters out west. Sure, we now live hundreds of kilometres north of where we grew up and yes, it’s still warmer than winterpeg – which oddly enough is colder despite being south of Edm. – but I just wasn’t built to handle dry cold. I grew up on the coast where it’s a lot warmer as far as the thermometer is concerned. We had piles of snow that might reach five feet tall and we had a wet (some drescribe it as bone chilling) cold. I don’t remember any childhood weather reports of -40 (with the wind chill factored in, -21 without) temperatures. I especially don’t remember my hair drying out to match stick consistency, then splitting and breaking much when I lived out east.

It’s very hard to grow long hair in this climate. A few short weeks ago I had a few inches cut off to get rid of all the split ends and this afternoon I lost another two to the battle. I fear I am losing and will soon be back to chin length locks. At least I didn’t sign up to have my head shaved for charity this winter. Shaving your head at the end of November is a crazy. Trust me in this one. You don’t need to ty it for yourselves. There’s not a hat out there warm enough!

I understand Karma’s desire to make Drew suffer the slings and arrows – or snow, ice, hail, and sub-zero temperatures – before he heads to warmer climes for a few months. I just don’t see why the rest of us have to suffer along with him…

I miss my winters in India and the Phillipines. Last year was my first winter home in years and I discovered that I’m a crappy Canadian. I don’t revel in the cold. I don’t want to put on a dozen layers of clothing and socks just to drive to work. I want to hibernate until the first buds of spring appear. No seasonal affective disorder here. I just prefer spending the winter in my jammies and in a nice heated room.

Which reminds me – must buy new flannel jammies.

I’m looking forward to voting tomorrow and will be dragging my friends and neighbours along with me.  I can’t help myself.  I just think it’s really important to ensure every qualifying member of the public votes.  Then I can go home and happily plonk myself in front of the TV to rant and rave at the talking heads completing the election night coverage.  Of course with Drew in Montreal it won’t be nearly as much fun as it has been in previous years.  I was missing in ’06 so this is our second Federal election minus the popcorn throwing beer swilling peanut gallery.

As for results, a good chunk of me would like to see the same results as were in place before Parliament was dissolved.  After reading all 4 party platforms and watching this weekends Dion/May shenanigans I’ve grave concerns about all of them.  I think it will be good for the country to have the Conservatives have a small minority government again. They did manage to get a surprising amount of work completed over the past 2.5 years. A minority ensures that they don’t go too far off the rails when completing their mandate.  Perhaps then, the sheep that make up some of the Canadian population will realize that the US Democratic Party has more in common (policy wise) with the Conservatives than they do with the Liberals.  And perhaps then some of the other parties will begin cleaning up their platforms and the junk hidden in their back closets to make themselves more palatable in future elections.

Dion is certainly not someone I want to see lead the country (Hello Liberals – Get a new leader… perhaps one a little less divorced from day-to-day realities of the general population) and the Greens too should consider a new leader.  They’ve a number of excellent candidates in their party but May has failed in the most basic of leadership duties; Supporting her people and party values to the bitter end.  Abdicating her responsibility to the Green party and its candidates to crawl into bed with the Liberals and advocate strategic voting opens up a long line of questions regarding her values, loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, etc. As for Layton, I have personal issues with Layton’s past actions that will ensure I’ll never vote for him.

On the bright side none of these leaders are running in my riding.  I can vote my conscience.  I can place my X beside the name of the best, in my not so humble opinion, man or woman for the job.